I still cry about my mom but no one really knows

I’m honestly nervous to post this. I have never opened up this much in a blog post. This goes relatively deep into my wounds, I shed a lot of tearing pushing through these paragraphs. Thank you for wanting to read my story and I hope someone who can relate will find comfort in my words.

When I was, maybe 4 or 5, I had a repetitive dream. In this dream, my brother and I were playing in this immense building that was full of semi trucks. A huge garage lined with semi trucks. As we were running we found a bomb. We saw that the bomb had very little time until it would explode, so we took. We ran as fast as we could and pushed the back doors to the building open, ran up a tall hill covered in bright green grass and we laid on our stomachs, ready to watch the building explode. We were so excited, giggling and getting comfortable with our heads being propped up by our elbows. We started to count down together and then we saw our mom. She seemed to be injured because she was limping very slowly out of the back doors of the garage. My brother started screaming for her to run and hurry. I kept counting, fearing to make my way from ten to one. The building exploded and the flames swallowed her whole. I couldn’t see my mom anymore. I knew she was dead.

This dream still fucking haunts me to this day. I remember the first time that I had it, I just out of bed, ran into my parents room and snugged right up next to her. It terrified me to think of losing the woman I loved so much. She was God to me. Now that I am an adult, the dream kind of pisses me off. The best way that I can explain it is that I wanted the dream to be wrong. I never wanted to actually feel the loss of my mother.

I don’t always “feel” the loss of my mother. Sometimes I don’t even know how I’ve get here. How did my mom slip into my thoughts? My thoughts become so saturated and heavy that I almost want to explode. Some times I hide it by crying in the shower. It doesn’t make me feel as guilty, almost as if the water is washing my thoughts away before they stick to my skin.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t think about her constantly or dwell on everything that happened by any means. But sometimes something will cause her to cross my mind. I mean, she’s my mom, I’ll always wish I had what never was.

I have an older brother. It infuriates me to even say this but he was a little less fortunate than me. My father’s mother took custody of me and he was left with our cracked out mother living in her drug dealer’s house. Why didn’t anyone take him? I was 12 or 13 so I understood but I didn’t understand the full picture. There was no one biologically that could take my brother. My mom wouldn’t let them. Bullshit. Someone should have went to court and fought for him. He was worth fighting for.

So many things went wrong for me growing up. I lost contact with my brother. I’d talk to him every few years.

My first car was an old Chevy Lumina. I hadn’t really talked to my brother but I knew he didn’t have a car so when I turned 18 I bought a Pontiac Alero. I called my brother that he could have it free of charge, I wanted him to have something to drive. He was beyond grateful. Before I drove it over and dropped it off, I stuck a 20 dollar bill in the ash tray with a note that said, “If you ever need a little extra gas.” I never really was able to stay in contact much after that. I spent a few years begging for him to be apart of mine and the kids family but he wasn’t ready. The sting was still running deep for him. I saw him for the first time in about 4 years on my daughter’s 5th birthday. She will be 6 in March so we are coming up on a year of consistent contact. I married my husband last August and my brother was there to witness it. I finally got to ask him if he ever found that 20 dollar bill in that ash tray.

My brother and I have not talked too much about my mom. He did have a few drinks one night and open up a lot about how there are still demons trying to haunt him. As he explained how he had and had felt and the aftermaths of it, I could completely relate. I, too, struggled the same way he has. It made me feel a little less crazy. That’s the thing about siblings, they are usually the only ones who can exactly relate to the growing pains of childhood. You go through everything together.

What my brother and I went through shaped us a lot.

I use it as my drive to be an amazing mother. I’m by no means perfect but I know I try my hardest to be everything for my kids and that makes these years the best years of my life. They are the first solid family that I have ever had, the first people to make me feel like the most important thing in the world. They unconditionally love me so much, I could never leave them or lose them. I am going to be such a happy memory of each of their childhoods and I am so proud of that. They will bring my grandchildren over on holidays. My daughter will call when she needs help cooking something. My son will call to tell me about his new career offer. They will be by my side when I take my last breath. My mother had a rough childhood that she passed on to me but the cycle stops here.

I have a hard time getting close to people. I keep everyone at arms length because I feel that everyone will only let me down or maybe I don’t really belong. It’s really difficult to really explain this one. A part of me almost feels that something must be different about me because the one person design to love me no matter what, chose drugs over me. Am I that worthless? I know that I’m not but I struggle with this. I so badly want to feel like I matter to someone other than my kids but I don’t want to let anyone to close to me either. My husband and I struggle with this, neither of us being at fault. I am a romantic, poet type of lover and he is more prim and proper, no PDA type of lover. Which is fine. I have learned that the way I need loves isn’t the same way he needs loved. I want him to occasionally remind me that I so blessed. He’s absolutely wonderful but no one is perfect. And I’m sure my extra emotional baggage can feel heavy sometimes. But him and my children fix me, I need that from him.

I am very compassionate. My brother actually told me quote from a physiatrist at a university. It was along the lines of saying to have true compassion for others and the world, you have to know that there are bad things out there. Some things that I witnessed with my mother, I will take to my grave because talking about them are not worth remembering the pain. I’ve witnessed the demons that can take over a family, I’ve stood face to face with it. And once it touches you, the scent never leaves your skin. I don’t wish my pain on anyone and I wish I could take away all of the pain in the world. I know darkness, therefore, I try as hard as I can to be the light.

Those are probably the biggest things that result from my childhood. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to forget everything. It’s just so painful to not have a mom. I feel empty in some places. I do feel with time I will accept these empty spaces, I just don’t think I’ll ever fully understand.

When my mother was about 32 or 33, not long after my grandmother took custody of me, my mother had a few medical problems. She was in prison and she had a stroke. She fell and hit her head and that set off a brain aneurysm. She loss her short term memory. I remember my grandma telling me about what happen and then taking me to see her. Half of her head was shaved and she had staples in her head. Every 10 minuets or so she would say, “So, Erica, what have you been doing?!” At first I didn’t understand and I would repeat myself to her and then I gave up. She was gone for good this time. It was excruciating to watch the mother who was once everything to me, disappear.

My mother is still very much alive but I have no contact with her. I don’t know her and she can’t remember much. I’ll never be able to get her point of view to try to understand why she became who she was. It is as if she is dead to me, the mother I once had it anyways.

And that shit hurts.

I have worked really hard on these set backs to use them as my motivation but I accept that I will probably just never be whole. And maybe that’s okay because I love very deeply and I fight really hard for what I believe in.

This Mom’s Beauty Survival Guide!

Some days I wake up, look in the mirror and I hardly recognize myself.

Who is this woman staring back at me and where did I go?

I am starting to see lines that were not there before, my eyes tend to look like I haven’t slept in weeks and my skin can be dull.

This is completely normal, my fellow mamas. Being a mother means less sleep and less time to take care of yourself, especially in those first few crazy years of motherhood. You can’t even go to the bathroom by yourself let alone take some time to get a facial

Let me that with any beauty product, it times take and consistency. If you take my advice and use any of my beauty hacks, you will have to b e consistent and patience. But we are moms so patience is our thing, right? Ha! And its always best to try to prevent wrinkles because that it much easier then waiting for them to appear.

Every morning and night I take 15 minutes to myself to take care of me. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes it is way easier said then done. Some mornings I have to lock myself in the bathroom in order to fix myself all while hearing little taps on the door followed by, “mommy, are you almost done?” Oy vey. Gotta love motherhood!

Lets begin with the mornings. Typically I set my alarm for a few hours before my children wake up so I can get their bookbags ready, pack lunches, mentally prepare for the morning battle of what my daughter wants to wear to school, enjoy a few cups of coffee, and finally, do my morning skin care routine.

(By the way, the best part of this list is that it is all affordable because I am as cheap as they come. I also have provided links to take you directly to them on amazon so you do not have to do any of your own searching. Just click the products picture! Have I mentioned how much I LOVE Amazon Prime?!)

Let me start by saying that I have spent ALOT of money at Ulta and Sephora trying to be amazed by face wash. I have combination skin so I get oily and I get dry. When I started to look for something to combat wrinkles, I said screw it and bought a local name brand, Loreal RevitaLyft, and let me tell you it works wonders. I love what it has done for my skin. It has evened out my completion and really gave my skin a good lift. I’m a customer for life now.

A good moisturizer will do wonders for you! Kate Sommerville Glow moisturizer really lifts me up in the morning. It add a simple sparkle to my skin that I really need to feel alive when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I have tried several things from her line and I must say I am impressed. Unfortunately, her products are far too expensive for me to splur on too often.

I am going to be completely upfront with this next beauty hack. It may look a little intimidating but it is truly a god send! It’s called a derma roller and it really helps to keep your skin plump. I also love how it adds a flushed color to my cheeks. I, personally, have a high pain tolerance so rolling this over my cheeks every other morning works fine for me.  Lips, now that’s another story, OUCH. I put a little numbing cream on my lips if I want to give them a good roll over.

the derma roller works by puncturing the skin signaling to your collagen that it needs to repair itself. I can not speak highly enough about this product. It comes in different sizes so you will have to customize what fits your needs most. I use the .25.

Below is another must have of mine and may not be too heard of! I AM SO IN LOVE WITH THIS LITTLE PIECE OF MAGIC! It is a high frequency facial machine. It works against wrinkles, scars and keeps skin plump. It can even help hair grow! I use this after I layer my moisturizer on so I can glide it around my face with ease. This one looks a little scary as well but rest assure its very simple! I especially love to use this in the morning when my eyes look a little puffy.

I use the below product at night around my eyes. I can say that I have zero crows feet (yet)and I believe I owe a lot of it too this product. It also nourishes my eyelashes well so they are strong and healthy for mascara. It’s too thick and oily to wear during the day so this is a strict night time product. I put a small dap on my fingertips and rub around my eyes in a circular motion. One bottle lasts a long time! This budget mama likes that.

Loreal Revital Lift, we meet again. I LOVE the night time cream by their line. I may be getting a little too excited when I say this but I look forward to what my skin looks like when I wake up. If I stumble to bed without rubbing this all over my face, I avoid the mirror in the morning. HA! But seriously, it has retinol in it which is amazing to fight wrinkles with. I’m pretty much sold that anything from this line with not let me down.

Now we have come to my last go to beauty product. First Aid Beauty (who will always have a soft spot in my heart) has an AMAZING moisturizer. I use this at night and it is amazing for the winter when dry skin creeps up on you. First Aid Beauty has a great skin care line for those with extra sensitive skin. I first stumbled across their line when I was pregnant with my daughter and all of a sudden everything made my skin burn like it was on fire. No, seriously, my skin literally felt like it was burning off of my face no matter what I put on it. I had many times of standing in front of the freezer rubbing ice cubes on my face while tears ran down my face.

And there you have it! These are my MUST haves for my skin. And I am loving the results! The last few months I have pushed myself to be consistent and my skin looks better than ever. Do you see any products on my list that you would want to try? Be sure to let me know.

Also, I can not seem to find a sunscreen that I can fall in love with. Any recommendations? We all know how important sun protection is and trust me, I take it seriously especially that I am getting older. My problem is though, most of them make my skin look oily. I HATE THAT. So please, send some screens that you love my way. Maybe it will make it onto my next list 🙂