I feel there needs to be a disclaimer before I begin.
This post will be very biased and although “husband” is in the title, it’s not so much about my husband. It is actually more about my mental health. I very much enjoy writing and blogging but I do believe some details deserve to stay private. Social media is an amazing platform to share your journey and hopefully help others in similar situations but not everything needs to be talked about. I am learning more and more about that.
I has been a little over a year since I have shared on here. I opened an art studio and it has kept me very busy. Ironically, my last post was about my husband. In it I was basically proclaiming my love for him. All of those feelings still stand true, I am not sure I will ever love anyone the way I love him. But our situation has changed.
We are opposites and we have tried to make it work for so long and too be honest, compromising can be exhausting. At times we do work and we. work very well but the tricky thing about being two opposites with a magnetic connections is that you have to keep working at it. I don’t blame him for moving out, I kind of pushed for it too.
We both have our reasons and because he is obviously not here to defend himself, I will not speak on my reasons. We both agree that we both are too blame.
I am 28 years old and for as long as I can remember I have carried around this sadness. I keep it tucked down deep inside of me but sometimes it slips out. It comes in many forms such as anxiety, tears, anger, irritability. And I took a lot of it out on my husband. He has been my person, my safe place whether I made him feel like it or not.
I am such an advocate for kids having a stable childhood because I am walking proof that it can follow them to adulthood. I feel like my emotions default into a protective mode of just expecting to be disappointed in people. To protect myself from feeling what I felt as a kid, the neglect and loneliness. But what was really doing was creating the disappointment myself.
I remember when I became pregnant with my son I remember thinking I was already turning into my mother. When I became a teenager, I put it on my goal list to be nothing like her. So, having my son at 19 and how she had me at 18, I did not like the similarities. I can say that I have gone above and beyond to give my children what I never had. I am not rich so my kids live a simple life but money is not what gives a child a good childhood. I am very close to my children and they always come first. They know they are loved and safe with me.
I hear my mom was a good mother before my parents divorced but I was so young that I can’t remember. That makes me hurt for her because the good years she had with me, I can’t even remember.
Pain is a risky thing. It will either break you or turn you into something greater. For my mother, she took her pain and let it consume her. It soaked into her veins and she let it destroy her life. She unconsciously let it destroy the futures of her children. I am told so often how I have broke the mold and rose above my unfortunate upbringing but I do not feel so fortunate sometimes. Pain has lingered around me for as long as I can remember and I can understand why my mom gave up. This lingering pain keeps whispering for me to give up and it is enough to drive a person crazy.
I have let myself go crazy because of this. At one point I remember feeling this heaviness and thinking I should be over it because I am an adult now. And that I was fine. I did not need medication and I was not crazy. And then everything started to unravel with my husband and I was forced to look at myself right in the mirror. I can not live like this and give my children the childhood they deserve. I can not live like this and be the wife my husband deserves, whether it be my current husband or someone else one day. Although, if I get divorced, I probably will never love again.
I am at a point of pain in my life right now and I can either let it destroy me like my mother did or I can let it change me. Like I had said earlier, my husband and I agree that we are both at fault here. I can not make him evaluate and work on himself but I can take this situation and improve myself.
I am not ashamed to admit that I have a lot of anxiety and depression that I have tried to ignore for too long. And I am tired of letting it steal my happiness and stealing the happiness of those around me. I have been talking to someone and exploring different medications and I am honestly regretful of not doing this sooner.
I am learning that I can not control people or situations but I can control how I react to people and situation. I want to be kind, forgiving, loving, and happy. I want to say nothing if I don’t have anything nice to say. I want to walk away calmly from anyone who brings negativity and drama to my life. I want the simple life and only I can give myself that. I WANT INNER PEACE! Inner peace that is so strong it can not be shaken by anyone.
My husband moved out 2 or 3 weeks ago and I have really been practicing keeping that inner peace. At times it is very trying but overall I can feel such a difference. It gives me strength and hope that no matter what I will be okay and I will not be destroyed like my mother. It also gives me understanding that my husband is responsible for his own actions and I am responsible mine. For me this separation became an opportunity to clear my head and fix myself before I expect to fix our marriage. I want it to work and I want to put in the hard effort to make it work but I can not force my husband to reflect on his own behavior in our marriage all I can do is work on myself and pray he is working on himself too.
Life is so unpredictable and I can not stress that enough. Life ill bring you pain and it will bring you to your knees. You must find a way to keep going even if it is crawling. I learned very early on that shitty chapters in life are only temporary. Do not let those temporary shitty chapters distract you from the good ones because they are the ones you should remember. Who I was two months ago, is not who I am today and I will never allow pain to live in me like that again.
Mental illness does not just come from past tragedy. Some mental illnesses are a natural imbalance. It does not matter the cause or reason, if you are feeling anything that takes away from your happiness, talk to someone. There is no shame in wanting to be happy and exploring those options. It does not make you less of a person or a mom if you struggle with depression and anxiety.
For me, organization really helps. It is almost the securit feeling of knowing things will be there when I need them. The little things that make up the big things. Staying organized, therapy, and medication have brought me pretty far in a few short weeks. I am actually looking forward to what life has in store for me now.